I am so grateful for this forum, because writing is the best way for me to express myself. I had to jump online and write this post immediately because I just experienced something amazing that blew open my mind and heart. I have not had a revelation like this, ever, in my life.
I was SO nervous after I posted earlier ever since writing it at 3 am this morning. Questioning myself if it was the right thing to post on here, if it was preachy, not well written, too much like a school paper, comprehensible... Thinking that I am such a huge hypocrite because everything I wrote I need to put into practice myself. I talked to my sponsor about how nervous I was and he threw what I wrote in the post right back in my face. It hit me like a train. After that, things started opening up for me. (It's important for me to tell you all that the first person I discussed all this with is my wife, as she has been the most impacted by my defects of character. furthermore, the more I talked to her, the more I realized how damaged I am). I have not been the same man since coming home from Iraq in 2007, perhaps even earlier. I came back so angry. I don't even know why. I have been inside my own head since then. When I say I've been inside my head, I mean I've been obsessed with thinking about myself and how I came across to the world outside of my mind. Constantly second guessing myself and questioning if I'm good or bad, right or wrong, ugly or not, smart enough, fast enough, strong enough, good enough....Constant FEAR. I have been so discontent, to the point that I attempted to take my own life a few years ago, and if I had not had this God moment tonight, I wouldn't be surprised if it would have come to that again at some point.
My self-obsession has caused so much hurt for others, most of all my wife. I have been a complete misery for her over the past several years, and yet she stuck with me.
My self confidence has been non-existent for years upon years. I was such a people pleaser and would jump at the first sign of validation. I was so unkind to myself in my mind that I eventually grew to hate myself, which has caused so much destruction around me. No wonder I drank so much.
I now feel such a weight lifted from my shoulders. I feel revived. God is with me tonight, as He has been for my entire life. Part of me wishes I'd been shown these truths earlier in my life, but I trust now that God has a reason for doing it at this moment in time. He is in control and I need to simply follow.
I wish I knew the words to express the thanks I owe to God, the Emmet Fox retreat, and all of you who support me.
Replies
You do. You did it.
He who puts all things in Gods hands—sees Gods hands, in all things.
Dave, I am so grateful for your post. I needed a different community of men when I first attended the Emmet Fox retreats and I found it. Many things you posted touched my heart.
" I feel revived. God is with me tonight, as He has been for my entire life. Part of me wishes I'd been shown these truths earlier in my life, but I trust now that God has a reason for doing it at this moment in time. " Really resonates with me as I think many times if I just did this a year ago, 5 years ago etc.... that things would be so different. Your helping me appreciate this moment right now. Thank you.
I was happy to see both your posts Dave. The thought you put into them and consideration of how they'd be received is awesome. Not posting would have been the only mistake 🙂. I've had the same thoughts and emotions you describe here and still do. I now have a group of like minded people to move forward with who help me change my thinking. Our thoughts shape our lives and you guys help me change my thinking, see the lies I've been telling myself and help me create a new and better story!
Thanks Bob! It's so great to have met so many wonderful people this past weekend. It's been such a blessing!
https://youtu.be/FOd1zgCkLPM?si=drrdMpEekW6w10Iu
Dave, This movie was very inspiring to watch, and even though i had to be beaten up - there was beauty forming afterwards.
I dont want to give it away but it was very insightful how our journey can be impactful to others.
Im glad you feel a weight lifted, I feel the same way when i get on here and surround myself by these other guys. Gives me a new way of looking at myself and the World around me. Keep Posting and writing it out!
Wow this movie looks amazing! Thanks for showing me this and for the support! Im so thankful for this platform. Even though the retreat may be over, the convection can continue on here. I needed this!
Great film! I forgot it was Joaquin Phoenix playing that role.
When you talk about making soap, we see you expressing your gratitude.