Between today and the end of the day tomorrow (Sunday), I will be resigning my full time employment. I'm scared and excited--but not basing my next step forward on either. I had a moment of clarity yesterday--I've had many in past weeks but choose to wait no longer and hold on to this one. The older I get the better I understand we may only have this moment left to do something with. Over half-a-day has passed since making this commitment and when sitting in my mind I attempt to rationalize, and back out--fear creeps in. I am holding onto that moment of clarity for all its worth--like a life preserver really. I have much to do today moving forward--opportunities in front of me which have presented themselves as part of the clarity.
When Dick Proenneke chose a life "Alone in the Wilderness" he still had support flown in. I will need support to do this.
I started the day with a cup of tea made from chamomile flowers, cranberry juice and honey.This is much different than my DD coffee with Thin Mint syrup, sweet and light . . . And I read Fox.
MARCH 23
. . . It means to be willing to set aside your present habits of thought, your present views and prejudices, your present way of life if necessary; to jettison, in fact, anything and everything that can stand in the way of your finding God.
--The Poor in Spirit.
Your Friend
Todd
When Dick Proenneke chose a life "Alone in the Wilderness" he still had support flown in. I will need support to do this.
I started the day with a cup of tea made from chamomile flowers, cranberry juice and honey.This is much different than my DD coffee with Thin Mint syrup, sweet and light . . . And I read Fox.
MARCH 23
. . . It means to be willing to set aside your present habits of thought, your present views and prejudices, your present way of life if necessary; to jettison, in fact, anything and everything that can stand in the way of your finding God.
--The Poor in Spirit.
Your Friend
Todd
Replies
PAIN IS THE TOUCHSTONE
An interesting change is taking place with me. Actually I'm certain there are many changes taking place in pursuit of the good life. A peace and respect as it relates to my body. My temple. I have been blessed with a body for work. I have NOT understood that and a result disregarded and disrespected it.
I have expressed my discontent with my body. I have never been able to do anything about it. Period. Until recently. Along with working at developing my art skills and an income surrounding that, I work in the wood floor trade. Since my metabolism dramatically changed after 50 years my body began to show the results of all the neglect (and still does). Working in the field (on floors) kept the deterioration somewhat at bay. But about 1 year ago I took a position in the office. A substantial compensation increase for me, and, I thought, my body was telling me it was time to rest--"I put my time in." That is the job I resigned. (you can read more about that in previous writings) During that time my eating habits went from bad to horrific. I basically fed myself a diet of sweet coffee, baked sweets, pizza and soda--THAT IS IT.
Although working at developing my art talent I felt I needed an immediate source of income to support myself and give me peace of mind that I could support myself. For whatever reason I could not commit to selling all for the sake of creating art (not yet). I contacted the company I worked for prior to making the move a year ago. I left on very good terms (for once in my life). They were happy to have me return. But I was terrified--TERRIFIED--that I would no longer be able to perform the physical work as I knew my body was in very bad shape.
It has been two weeks. The men I work with have been very patient and encouraging. At times I have had to stop. I have always been it pain. I see these men--all but one, much older than me (and with as much or more mileage LOL)--push forward through the day. So then do I. It has caused me to finally change my eating habits. I also am aware of the value of stretching. And exercise beyond my job. In the past I justified my labor as exercise. Although good to move and use the body--it is not exercise.
As a young man I incurred a back injury. I often tell people it was from polevaulting. It was not. It was from ballet. I was lifting a partner above my head withn one arm. Without proper technique and strength training (and a fit partner) this WILL cause injury--and it did. So I have labored with the injury for years. It was bearable as long as I kept moving--but this past year I did not. And I'm certain there is a build up of scar tissue and displaced mussle to support the injury.
I could give up right here. But I beleive with nourishment, education and hardwork I can change my body to the best it can be--and I accept whatever that is. What was unacceptable to me was knowing that my life choices were killing me. Pain is the touchstone. Not only physical pain but the pain of not being able to take care of myself--spiritual and mental pain. My body is a tool to do that. If in the end I am unable to go down this road productively I can close that door in peace. I don't beleive that will be the case.
"As a Man Thinketh, so is He." I keep this at the forefront of my mind. My life depends on me being ever vigilant with guarding my mind against thoughts I do not want in there.
The biggest is anything about age. Everyone I meet, good friend or casual acquaintance, anything that we talk about gets reduced to age as the culprit. These are well-meaning people. They are conditioned to give that response.
I now know the meaning of "Let the dead bury their dead". I need to stay away from most people over 55. Most conversations end up about retirement then progress into what ails them and their schedule of doctor visits, then the medications they are on. They also like to talk about the things they can not do.
I will not let this into my mind. I am going to work until I take my last breath. I am going to do the things I want to do even when those things are meant for a younger man. I will not use my age as an excuse for not pursuing my dreams.
Todd, I appreciate your post and willingness to let others know what you are going through. Inspirational to walk out "immediately" from your position. As I do not konw the circumstances and the back story of it all- what I know is that it takes guts, determination, mindset and knowing that there is something else that God is calling you to do.
I have taken a similar leap last week and it is scarry as can be right now. There is an unknowing that is going on for me with a sketch of an outline on what I need to do and where to go. I am finding that people are showing up in my life right now by me simply going out there, staying in motion, and pursuing what I believe my spirit and heart are telling me to do. IE. I went to a training that I wanted to go to. Connections made in regards to possible future work. I know I need to get up and keep moving even when I do not feel like it. There has been a pleasant freedom from some of this fear -- I can not lie it does come in waves some times however I attempt to limit my conversations with it. Sometimes it is blasting music other times it is writting something out! Love you Todd and I look forward to hearing about your successes.
Dear Joe,
It seems more each day that the crux of this risk, or change, is pursuing a deep faith in a loving God--an all powerful God. And, an exercise in getting out of the way. I need to know if I really believe. I have lived my life as a doubting Thomas--a "wishy/washy" type--on the fence--always saving something in my pocket just in case--absolutely lost. Do I buy it? Do I really believe? Am I willing to put my life on the line for this. I know how to put my life on the line. Do I trust enough? I have to trust. And these cannot be words--bla, bla, bla. Is it in my heart?
"You have to make a decision Todd" Lefty would say this to me (sometimes I think when there was nothing else left to say). Once that decision is made of the heart I no longer have to entertain the head. Like you said--keep moving forward--you made the decision.
Todd
WILLINGNESS TO BE LED
I ordered business cards. That feels like the start of something. Change has been extremely slow with me. Finding out who I am--Where I belong. And aquiring the faith to pursue.
"rivers belong where they can ramble, eagles belong where they can fly--I've got to be where my spirit can run free--Gotta find my corner of the sky" Anyone know where that lyric comes from?
I have difficulty with faith. More so with understanding my self-sufficiency (mind) is broken. MARCH 27 & 28 Meek " . . .willingness to be led . ." FOX
In order to be led we must have faith in the one leading and be broken down of our own self-sufficiency.
Sure will be good to inherit the Earth.
Your Friend
Todd
PS How do I post photos on My Page??
I built a pretty good life taking little risks. Business cards $10. Inherit the earth -priceless.
That is great! Can't stop chuckling everytime I read that--"business cards $10," (and thats exactly what it was)--"inherit the earth . . priceless!"
CLEARING THE WAY
The dust has settled. Yesterday was a storm--I weathered it. I remember as a child, that peace after a violent cry--when my breathing was beginning to calm, kind of fragmented, catching my breath--and wiping a tear soaked face. Does anyone remember those cries? I see children from time to time in that state (It is usually followed by a good nap).
It amazes me. It seems the "two opportunities" I wrote about a few days ago may have been only perfect tools to get me where I needed to be--HERE. In front of me with NOTHING in its way is a commision to complete--drawing the image of St Therese. The earthly obstacles have been removed. 129.5 hours cleared. I know where I belong--I've known it for awhile.
"Just for Today: I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me."
Your Friend
Todd
Nothing is ever as bad as it first seems. If I want to gather a harvest today, I needed to plant seeds yesterday. I used to plant seeds in bad soil on the day I needed the harvest. I harvested nothing that day or in the future.
Todd, I left a comment on Saturday, I don't think it posted? Anyway, thank you for sharing this important part of your journey with me. I too get paralyzed by the fear, often. I need to read and hear about stories like yours, people walking through their fear and proving what is possible, despite what the voices tell us. When I see other people doing it, it inspires me to take another step, to no listen to the fear. I'm inspired by your story, and it will help me on my journey. As we said last night, today, and this moment could be all we get. Lilfe is too to not be happy and work at a job that doesn't bring us fullfilment. We do this together, I'm grateful that you're a part of my life.
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