Grief and loss are unavoidable parts of the human experience.
Key Facts About Grief
- Grieving is a process
- The way out of grief is through it
- Grief comes and goes
- It takes time to go through the grief process and that time is highly individualized
- Avoiding the process of grief can lead to serious emotional and psychological issues
- The grief process is highly enhanced with support from others
- By giving oneself time and grace, grief can be processed, and one can move forward in life
The Stages Of Grief
In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross first introduced what is now commonly referred to as the Five Stages of Grief. In her 1969 work, On Death and Dying, Kubler-Ross outlined these five stages as representing the feelings of those who have faced death and tragedy based on her many years of work with terminally ill cancer patients.
The stages she outlined were: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Denial
The initial stage outlined in Kubler-Ross’ process is denial. Denial is typically characterized by shock and numbness. The psyche develops a protective mechanism that initially causes the impacted individual to respond in disbelief (Kubler Ross stages of grief, n.d.). This helps us process what is happening by slowing the onset of our understanding, thereby allowing us to pace our emotions gradually over time (Kessler, 2013).
Anger
Anger is the second stage of the Kubler-Ross model. Once the reality of what has happened sinks in, shock and numbness become replaced by rage and resentment. Though displayed as anger, this is genuinely just displaced pain. As the psyche tries to find a rationale for why the loss took place, in the initial stages, often there aren’t logical/acceptable answers. This lack of sense causes hurt, which we experience and project as anger (Kubler Ross stages of grief. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.journey-through-grief.com/kubler-ross-stages-of-grief.html).
Bargaining
The third phase of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief is bargaining. This stage involves going to a higher power and mostly trying to bargain for the return of whatever is lost or in the process of being lost.
An example might include asking God to save the life of a loved one pronounced brain dead or trying to make a deal with a boss to get a job back after just being fired. Bargaining can also be experienced as thinking in “what if” or “if only” terms. For instance, “What if I had done this?” or “If only I had done that.” This stems from a desire to return to a life before the loss, so one focuses on scenarios that could have potentially prevented the loss from occurring.
Depression
Depression is the fourth stage of the Kubler-Ross model. This stage involves the realization that the loss is going to take place. Its characterized by deep sadness and sorrow regarding the loss.
The length of this stage varies from person to person, and its duration and severity are heavily influenced by the type of loss experienced (i.e., physical, social, job, etc.). For some, this stage lasts days or weeks, while others can experience this stage for weeks or months.
Acceptance
The final stage of the Kubler-Ross model is acceptance. Acceptance is simply the realization and acknowledgment that the loss has occurred and is reality. This is not to be confused with the belief that a person agrees with the loss that has taken place; this simply means there is a realization that nothing can be done to change the outcome. Thus, the focus can be shifted towards moving forward versus trying to go back or getting stuck in the loss.
Grief Is A Process
The process of grieving after a loss is just that, a process. It takes time to go through each of the stages outlined in the Kubler-Ross model, and there should be no pressure to rush through .these stages
Individuals should take their time to experience the emotions and stages in their entirety so they can completely and wholly grieve and heal from the experienced loss. By giving oneself time and grace, grief can be processed, and one can move forward in life.
References:
Johnson, P. (2007, February 1). Coping with death and grief. Retrieved from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/coping-with-death-and-grief/
Kessler, D. (2013, October 15). Five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler. Retrieved from https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Kubler Ross stages of grief. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.journey-through-grief.com/kubler-ross-stages-of-grief.html
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