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Many things can make us happier or less happy, and there's no 'magic switch' that will automatically turn you into a happy and serene individual wearing life like a loose garment. That said, there are certainly some things that appear to play a particularly large role in affecting whether or not we're happy.

Social Comparison Theory

One theory that has been put forward as having a lot to do with how happy we ultimately are is something called 'social comparison theory.' Postulated initially by social psychologist Leon Festinger, "The Social Comparison Theory" is the idea that most of our self-worth comes from our comparing ourselves to others. Many times this is with people we know nothing about. While there are many aspects of this theory, the basic idea as it relates to happiness is that many of us aren't happy because we are always comparing ourselves with others who are better off. In other words, while you might be incredibly wealthy and successful, you won't feel that way if the people you spend the most time with are actually more wealthy. Do not minimize the time you spend reading and watching the lives of those better off. Similarly, you may be dissatisfied with your relationship if you are only seeing the masks your friends are wearing. This goes for the car and house you own.

Making Matters Worse…

Regrettably, today's lifestyles being internet based are designed to make matters worse. It started with Facebook, allowing us to show the ideal version of our own lives. This means that we are continually seeing the best of life materializing in the lives of our friends. This may consist of spectacular holidays, party's, vacations, new homes, or advancements in their careers. The list can go on forever. At the same time, the media is continually showing us the lifestyles of the rich and famous – people who want for nothing.

How to Overcome Social Comparison Theory

So how do you overcome social comparison? The obvious is to eliminate Facebook, though many of us can not comprehend that concept. It also seems like double talk coming from someone who is starting a social media site. The irony did not escape me.

To overcome comparing yourself with others demands that you focus on your own dreams and goals and keep a realistic view of your life as it compares with others. Yes, that person has become incredibly successful but is it exactly what you would want to do? Focus on your dreams and how they differ from those of other people.

Meanwhile, make sure to be grateful for what you do have, and enjoy what you have. Do not waste your time with words like could, should, and if only. Think about what you have overcome and accomplished in your life. Seeing that in the right light. What is there that you can not achieve moving forward?

The Good Life Mall is designed to be a community where we can show our selves as we see ourselves and get positive feedback and help to soar to new heights.

Image by geralt on Pixabay

A couple of months ago I ran across a video of Seasick Steve. One of the songs was "It's a Long Long Way".  He gave such a powerful performance. He is a giver. I have watched his videos since then. Bought a few of his CD's.  He is one of those performers who is better live. He is a showman that engages the audience not just with the feeling his words produce. His actions on stage bring the best out of people. 

His lyrics and actions make me reflect on my life and how I treat people. The little things he does that warm hearts. I watch for opportunities to make the people I pass in life feel good for having met me. When Steve performs his song "Walking Man" he shows how to make someone feel good for having met him.  We can all do this in our own lives. Everyone has a cross they must bear. What can I do to make that cross easier to carry. Somedays it is holding a door. Somedays it is buying them a meal. Somedays it is listening to them. The opportunities are endless. I have people come back to me 15 years later and tell me the little bit of time I spent with them meant so much to them.

I grab these chances to bring these moments to others, for these four reasons.

1. I know how much it meant.
2. I am repaying the debt I owe.
3. I enjoy doing it.
4. I know that by so do this, I am ensuring that when needed again, someone will be there for me.

Reflecting on death has given me an outlook on life, that I cherish. I believe that the only thing you take with you when you leave this life is what you have given away. I have never given what will happen at my funeral service any thought. I always thought whoever is left will do what comforts them. Until now, Seasick Steve sings the song "It's a Long Long Way". When I heard the song, I thought that is going to be played at my funeral service. 

 This is the version that I want played.

It's a Long Long Way
Seasick Steve

                I picked up Discover Yourself Through Gratitude: A Journal this past Tuesday morning and opened to a random selection and choose, "Who is your best friend and why". I immediately started journaling about gratitude for my wife Becky and the amazing woman that she has always been and continues to be. It was very natural as I listed all of the reasons I think she is wonderful. It felt good to do this and it changed my mood.

                Within a few hours, I read another article on Linked-In from a man I greatly admire. He wrote about how important it is that his kids and his grandkids see a deep love he feels for his wife, he said it will be instrumental in how deeply they love their spouses. The stars aligned and it came through crystal clear in that moment. Sometimes I come home from work stressed out and not in a good mood. This night, however, I was beaming (largely in part of the journal entry). At the dinner table, I said, "Who wants to lead prayer tonight" as I usually do. My daughter (3 years young and so cute) chimed in and said a few words of thanks for our food and our new house. After her prayer, I immediately started talking about my journal entry and the gratitude for my wife and my children's mother is. It was palpable because I can blow hot air with the best of them, but I really do think the world of my amazing wife, and my words were not just spoken, they were felt. I spoke of how she cooks for all of us, she cleans for all of us, she does the laundry for all of us, she gives hours of her time and unconditional love to play with our kids, she is patient, she is centered, she is kind, she is organized, she is beautiful and she knows how to love better than anyone I know. I could tell that my kids were right with me, they heard me and started chiming in about how wonderful their mom is. This meant a lot to my wife, I could tell immediately. I think it's safe to say that being a full-time parent can be a thankless job. This family dinner became a conversation on gratitude and this one conversation changed our future dinnertime conversations, I felt it. Gratitude has always been a part of our family, but something shifted at this dinner and I think we all felt it. It was powerful.

                So then that night, I shared the story for my friends. It felt good to share this story because the experience was authentic and heartfelt. When I arrived home, my wife was in a great mood, I could feel the gratitude for my wife. I've been someone who has lived most of their life crippled by the intellect and this story transpired from somewhere very different... the heart. So finally, at my Toastmasters meeting this past Wednesday, during impromptu speaking (which I love) I revisited the story once more and the people in that room were impacted, I could see it in their eyes as I shared. While it may sound cliché, I'm grateful to finally start to understand gratitude. I've spoken of gratitude for the past 20 years, but this one story has shifted what gratitude means to me. And it has propelled me to want to experience more of it.

What?  I know, you read "Paying Taxes with Gratitude" and said, "Who is this woman, and what has she been smoking?"  Well, let me explain.  

For years now, I have been preparing the annual income tax return for myself and my husband by using TurboTax on my computer.  It is usually an arduous two-day process, during which I cover the dining room table with the spilled contents of "The Tax Folder".  That's the file in which big and little pieces of paper are jammed in no order throughout the year that may come in handy for itemizing our spendable lives.  I could organize it better on a daily basis, but apparently, I take perverse satisfaction from being able to bitch about the chaos and the entire process of doing, and paying, taxes on an annual basis.  I could pay someone else to do it for me, but since it is a mess I (we) have created, I claim ownership of it.  It makes me feel IN CHARGE of my life.....or not.

So, the annual complaint-fest that emerges from my dining room began on Sunday afternoon.  I had heard rumblings about the changes in the tax laws that would be harming charitable organizations but had not thought they would affect me....a middle-class taxpayer.  So, I optimistically fired up my laptop, loaded the Turbotax program, and began plugging in our 1099R info.  We are both retired, so not much changes in our income or expenses.  Or so I thought.  But wait!  This was the tax year in which I received a full year of Social Security benefits.  For the uninformed, this means that if you've worked your entire life at a decent job, you have paid social security taxes.  I stress the word PAID.  It would make sense that since what I now receive is called a BENEFIT, it should be some sort of gift, right?  Oh no, folks.  This income is taxable!!!  My income increased by a fairly substantial amount this past year.  At the same time as that was happening, the tax laws wiped out all of the deductible power of my charitable giving.  The money I gave to the Church, the child I sponsored forever in the Dominican Republic, the material goods I donate to the Salvation Army, Big Brother/Big Sisters, the Food Bank, and on and on.....now count for NOTHING on my income tax.  Also, my medical expenses, although meeting the test for being more than 7.5% of my adjusted gross income, still don't add up to enough to count.  My property and school taxes?  Likewise not worth a damn.  

So, I spent most of yesterday entering it all again.  Surely I had done something wrong, right?  This has never, ever happened.  Maybe it's a glitch in the program!  Nope. According to the new tax laws, we're better off taking the Standard Deduction, which means we now owe more than I expected.  What?????  I entered it all again, asking for the itemized deduction option.  After all, I'm quite the Charitable Giver!  I pay taxes!  I have medical expenses!  I give lots of money away to people I can't even claim anywhere!  Isn't The Patron Saint of Charities watching over me?  Well, after refusing the Standard Deduction, it now says I owe over 20% more.  Yikes!!!  Back to being Standard, I guess.

I stepped away from my computer, talked it over with my husband who couldn't believe it either, and then after calming myself for a few minutes a miracle happened.  Guess what???  I became strangely and surprisingly GRATEFUL!!!  Yep!  Here is what I realized:  (1) I can probably prevent this next year by altering what taxes I have withheld on my Social Security; (2) Although I would rather not have to pay those taxes, I am able to without hardship.  I have the money, and it will not significantly harm my budget; (3) I made sufficient money all of my life to put me in this position of privilege; (4) I gave away many things and much money last year for no benefit to myself, but also to no real detriment, and it helped other people.  There were no strings attached, no public accolades, and no ego-feeding involved.  Those were just righteous, good intentions and actions.  I don't require, nor deserve rewards for doing that!; and lastly, (5) most importantly, I am living a life which encourages me to examine and celebrate the blessings in my life on a daily, moment-by-moment basis.  An alternate me would have stomped and moaned, protested and cussed, and ruined at the very least the rest of my day with grousing about taxes, the government, and the general unfairness of life.  Today, I am blessed with gratitude for all that I have, which includes the material wealth that allows me to type this missive on the very same laptop that tells me I owe money for the privilege of living in my warm, safe home, in my great country, with my supportive husband and my sweet, sweet puppies.  I'm retired from a great job that I loved for all 35 years of it, and am sitting here on a snowy morning, still in my jammies, and celebrating my life.

So....I am GRATEFUL for the opportunity of Paying Taxes with Gratitude, and to wish all who read it a wonderful, miracle-filled day.

It is Sunday morning and I have just taken a shower. Something we all probably take for granted. I started the shower with the thought of gratitude, that I was even taking a shower. I have been in bed sick for 3 days. I lay there thinking. I should eat something. I should take a shower. I will feel better. Did not eat much of anything. No shower. It would take to much effort. I talked myself out of doing anything. It was never a long conversation. Inaction won the battle for 3 days.

I knew taking a shower was the key to my new life. When I was growing up and was sick, after 2 or 3 days my Mom would come into my room and say "Okay, get up take a bath. You are done being sick". I do not know how she picked the number. But it was correct. A shower is a sign of change. You want to feel different. Take a shower. 

I could have taken the shower at midnight. Yes, I reasoned it would be better to wait till later. So I took my shower at 9. Gratitude would have taken the shower at midnight. Gratitude crept in a 9 am with my Mom's voice. I thought of the hot water experience and was grateful for the hot water. I was grateful for the Doterra shampoo that lasts me 6 months. I was grateful the drain was not frozen. I was grateful I did not drop the soap. I was grateful for the breakfast that was waiting for me.

Taking a hot shower. Most of the people in the world would gladly switch with me. Lots of people have never experienced a hot shower. In Russia, the hot water gets turned off every summer for as long as a month. Lots of people do not even have a shower. Lots of people do not have clean drinking water, let alone a hot shower.

I held my attention to each of these as I took my shower. Really enjoying my life as it was unfolding this morning. The thought came to me yesterday you need a subject for an article to get The Good Life Mall rolling. Today you have one, “Grateful to Take a Shower”.

Happiness is not getting what you want. It is being grateful for what you have. I am grateful today for what I have. Thanks, Mom for the orders. I would have chosen at least an extra day. My life would have been a lot shorter.